All relationship red flags aren’t obvious

Red flags are a widely used term in relationships to indicate signs that the person you're dating probably can't have a healthy relationship and proceeding down the road together could lead to an abusive, codependent, or destructive relationship.

Some red flags are commonly acknowledged. If you asked people to list red flags in a relationship, many of them would most likely mention things like alcoholism, drug addiction, violet displays, and extreme jealousy. But many other ‘not-so-obvious’ red flags are equally important and indicate a need to reevaluate the relationship or even run, hide, and never look back.

Below is a list of seven red flags that are often missed or ignored:

1. There's always tension in the air when you want to see your friends or family (isolation)

Your partner repeatedly getting angry or criticizing you or your loved ones, when you want to spend time with friends or family, is a huge cause of concern. It is a good example of someone wanting to control your life and isolate you from your support group.

Typically, this type of control starts off small with your partner saying something like, “Why don’t you stay home tonight; I want to spend time with my baby. I’m going to miss you so much if you go somewhere” At first, it may feel flattering, and you think that your partner must really love you because they want to be just with you.

After a while, they often start to be a bit more open with their disapproval and say something like, “I don’t think Jasmin is a good influence on you. I don’t think you should see her anymore.” Or they criticize your desire to spend time with family and make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends.

While it’s normal to spend a lot of time with a new partner at the beginning stage of a relationship (and consequently less time with friends or family), it’s a red flag if you feel like your partner gets angry, jealous, or critical about the time you spend with your friends and family.

Pay attention to how your partner talks about your loved ones. If they criticize and badmouth your friends and family, they could be trying to talk you out of seeing them.

Isolation of any kind is not flattering but downright dangerous. Healthy relationships should never come at the cost of other healthy relationships.

2. Love bombing and rushing the relationship

Love bombing can sometimes be mixed with healthy romantic interest or the honeymoon phase, yet it's probably one of the biggest relationship red flags, because it’s most common among narcissists and often goes hand-in-hand with other toxic relationship traits such as emotional abuse and gaslighting.

Love bombing is a form of manipulation, where the love bomber showers you with affection and grandiose declarations of love very early on the relationship to get you to fall for them. Usually, they also idolize you and place you on the highest of pedestals, making you feel like you’ve met your soulmate. They also rush the relationship wanting to move in together or get engaged only after ‘five dates’.

Though love bombing generally happens in the early parts of the relationship, it can be intermittently sprinkled throughout the years as well (typically decreasing in frequency as time goes on) as part of a repeated cycle of 'abuse and positive ‘reinforcement' that almost seems tailored to keep you hooked.

Every relationship is different, and a fast-moving relationship can be fine if it feels right and both of you are comfortable with how the relationship is moving forward. But if it feels too much too soon, and even too good to be true, it probably is.

If you see this red flag waving, especially together with any other red flag, it's time to walk away and pat yourself on the back because you just dodged a bullet.

3. Black-and-white thinking

Some people are more opinionated than others, and we all occasionally struggle to understand someone else’s perspective, but black-and-white thinking is a definite red flag.

Black-and-white thinking is a way of thinking where there are no shades of grey, no nuances. Everything is black or white,  good or bad, all or nothing.

People are either on their side or against them. There is no neutral territory.

Pathologically narcissistic people usually have a lot of trouble with black and white thinking. If they like something, they love it. If they dislike something, they hate it. If something is disappointing, it's the end of everything. It's extremely difficult for them to see any positive qualities in something they feel is bad, and vice versa.

If you date a person with a strong tendency towards black-and-white thinking, the odds are high that you’re dating someone with strong narcissistic features and you should proceed with extreme caution.

4. Crazy ex’s

Sometimes a break-up can leave us extremely sour, but if your new love interest talks about their old flames contemptuously and calls them "crazy" at every chance they get, it's a good clue that they're the actual problem.

Do pay attention to the language your partner uses when discussing those they’ve dated in the past. If they're unable to identify some way that they caused some of their past breakups or take 50% of the responsibility for any craziness that may have existed in the past relationships, the odds are good that you're on the way to becoming the next 'crazy' ex.

5. Sneaky control

When you’ve fallen in love, your partner’s controlling behavior can first feel protective or you interpret it as an ingrained habit or opinion. Attempts to control usually start off subtly and often entwined with flattery or compliment so it’s more difficult to recognize.

Eventually, controlling behavior increases in intensity and can often leave you feeling as though nothing you do is 'right’ or ‘good enough,'. Or you might end up feeling like a bird in a golden cage – if you stay in the cage and please the controlling person, you’re treated with the utmost generosity and respect, but try to break free and all hell breaks loose.

A healthy relationship is about compromise and understanding around differences. Controlling behavior should always be a red flag, even when some other areas of the relationship seem to compensate for its negative effects.

6. The drama/anger factor

Narcissists and people with strong narcissistic tendencies often shock you early in the relationship with some strangely placed little outburst(s) or fit(s) - unconsciously waving their red flag right in front of your nose.

For example, maybe she will blow up at a waiter a little too aggressively because some aspect of her order arrived wrong, or maybe he will have excessive outburst when there's no free parking space in front of the restaurant and abruptly decides to cancel the date and drive you back home. Typically these outbursts are quickly righted, explained away (they always have a good reason for the behavior and it's never their fault), and sometimes even apologized.

While it’s totally normal for anyone to be a bit short-tempered when stressed or extremely tired, it's one thing to be angry about something and another to not keep anger in check. A "normal" person is typically more understanding about frustrating situations and drama moments aren’t as world-stopping as those of a narcissist.

7. From an angel to a monster and back on a dime

A clear red flag is if your new partner has a seesaw attitude and can go from loving to hateful in five seconds, or vice versa. Their odious and cruel behavior will make you feel lost, scared, and trapped but suddenly they turn loving, romantic, and charming. Once you start letting down your guard, they may turn back into a monster. There’s no way of knowing when and how long it will last and you quickly find yourself walking on eggshells daily. Recognizing this red flag, is a good reason to turn around, and not look back.

It’s important to realize that even if these red flags seem small, they, like other red flags, tend to escalate as relationships progress unless serious efforts are made to change them. While it's ultimately your decision to move on or stay in the relationship (despite the red flags), if your intuition says it isn’t working - trust it. I've never talked to a person whose intuition told them something is off and the relationship isn't working, and still the relationship turned out to be healthy and happy in the long run. On the other hand, I’ve frequently talked to people, who have ignored their intuition and ended up in a very unhealthy relationship.

Another good idea is to check in with your body and see what physical sensations arise when you contemplate a potential red flag situation. Our bodies are wise, providing a lot of valuable information, and many red flags in a relationship typically show up first as feelings.

I hope this blog post helps you identify some relationship red flags that you might have missed earlier. Share it with anyone you think needs to see it.

Photo credits: 1st (from the top) by Bernd Dittrich on Unsplash; 2nd by Victoria Borodinova on Pixabay; 3rd by Fer Galindo on Pixabay